The Cabin
by Planecrazylex
Summary: How much did "Killshot" affect Kate?


Season4 approx.

"Kate"

"Katie"

She was aware that someone was calling her name but just couldn't bring herself to move.

"Kate?"

"Please, open the door"

It had only been a few days since they had arrived at the cabin. Kate and her dad had escaped up here to get away from the noise of the city for a few days. Everything was great. They had gone hiking, and fishing and making smores outside in the evening. A perfect getaway for a few days.

Kate had taken a week of leave, her dad had only got a few days off. Kate planned on heading back to the city with him and having a few days to catch up on errands and things she needed to do in the city. It had been a stressful few months at the precinct. Since coming back to work she found that her resilience for workload had lessened, although she would never let on. It seemed like there had been no respite, once a case had been closed there were three more waiting for her attention. It had been a lot to deal with but she was getting by, Castle had been great. A pillar for her, a constant presence who had her back.

The sniper case had been the case that got to her. She didn't like to admit it, having a weakness. She felt vulnerable. Kate Beckett was not a vulnerable person. She was a detective in the NYPD, she had seen worse than this. Heck, she had been shot, in the heart no less, and survived. And yet, here she is on the floor in her room at her father's cabin a crumpled mess. It was stupid really, the cabin was in the woods. She knew it was hunting season, of course, people would be hunting. Nothing that should have surprised her, she knew it all. But when the shot rang out and the bird landed a short distance from her she panicked. The trees around her seemed to sway and conspire against her making it hard for the sunlight to get through. The trail seemed to have more obstacles in the way than she remembered. It felt like the world was closing in on her and yet somehow she managed to get back to the relative safety of her room. And there she sat. Alone. On the floor, her backup piece in one hand her phone in the other. Her heart was racing, she was alert, ready to retaliate against any danger that presented itself.

Jim knew what had happened. Katie was his daughter, one of the finest detectives in the NYPD and yet he understood. Sometimes he would see a lookalike on the street, or hear her voice taunting him in his sleep. It always took him by surprise and yet he had grown used to the occurrences. It was worse when he drank a little but if he drank enough he couldn't hear her or see her or anyone for that matter. He liked the numbness and the freedom he felt without the weight of his absent wife on his chest. Jim had long since been sober and had learned through the hard times that drinking was not how to deal with it. He realized that actually, he missed his wife enough that he wanted to remember things like her voice and her smile and how she interacted with their daughter, the drinking was making him forget too well. Katie was also a reminder, at first this pained him and made it harder to forget, he pushed her away afraid of the pain she caused by her resemblance both emotional and physical. Now, it served to engage memories of his family in happier times and to think of the possibilities Katie had ahead of her.

Even Jim had bad days though. Times when the shock of a memory had him heading for the nearest bar before he even realized it. Often only snapping out of it when he was asked for his order. Those days were the hardest. He understood, Katie may not know that, but he understood.

Kates' phone rang. She ignored it, too engrossed in her own thoughts to care - she was off duty anyway, no responsibility this week. How can I be so stupid? Why am I so afraid of a gunshot? I am a detective, I have fired my weapon many times. This shouldn't scare me. And yet here I am. What kind of detective gets scared by a small hunting rifle? What use am I if that makes me run away? I am supposed to stand up to people with guns, I can't run away.

Her thoughts consumed her. She heard her dad knocking on the door, and considered getting up to let him in but she didn't want him to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She gave him a courteous "I'm fine dad" and hoped that would appease him for now. Her phone rang again, she had thrown it across the room onto her bed, moving to see who was calling her so incessantly she read her partners' name on the screen. Her mood lightened a little at the sight, but quickly fell again when she realized she was in no state to speak on the phone or to hold any sort of conversation.

Kate fell asleep in her clothes. She had lain awake for hours just thinking about methods to help herself to be less scared, or if she would have to quit being a detective. This worried her more and opened more avenues of thought - Where would I go instead? What would I do? Would Castle come with me or would he stay with Espo and Ryan? Why does it matter to me? What would black pawn think if Castles muse left the NYPD? She hated herself for being too weak to confront this, to face it and move on from it. Self-hatred was a powerful thing and it drove her to darker places she thought were long gone. It continued like that for hours. Eventually, she fell asleep, too exhausted to fight her own mind anymore.

"Beckett"

Autopilot had Kate answering her phone with her surname and without checking the caller ID early in the morning. She was still half asleep in bed, having only moved her arm to retrieve the phone.

"Kate, Hi"

It was Castle, why was he ringing her? She told him she was going to the cabin to take some time out.

"Castle, hey. Everything ok?"

"Yeah, I was just calling to check in"

Kate realized all of a sudden, last time she had been at the cabin she had been recovering from a gunshot, not taking calls from anyone. She had pushed them away, and it had taken a lot of work to get back to 'normal', or some version of it.

"Everything's good here Castle, what about you?"

They eased into a comfortable conversation, talking about everything and nothing in the same way they had become accustomed to. Kate noticed that Castles' voice became more relaxed the more they talked and she did her best to try and reassure him. To promise him they would be ok and she was coming back without saying the words. They always spoke in subtext, why change that now?

"Well, what are your plans for the day?"

"I think dad wants to go hiking up to an old meadow we used to go to with mom and then I had planned on getting some reading done. What about you Castle, any big plans for the day?"

"I am flying solo today, Alexis is studying and mother is out with friends"

"Talk later?"

"Enjoy your day Castle"

"Bye Kate"

Kate never got around to reading. She had spent the day lost in her own thoughts. It was getting late. Her dad had left some food into her room, she had nibbled at it, not registering hunger. The evening had been spent in silence. Kate had sat in the chair by the window in her room, watching her dad reading on the porch outside. Her phone buzzed on her knee.

"Beckett" she answered in a daze, again, not looking for the caller ID.

"Hey Kate, how was your day? I had an idea I wanted to run past you"

It was hard to snap out of her daze, even while on the phone to the man she potentially loved.

"Kate, are you there?"

"Hello?"

She could hear the confusion growing in his voice, his tone altering to a concern.

"Hey Castle" she breathed quietly down the phone.

"Kate, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Castle, just tired"

"Ok, you know if you want to talk I'm here, always"

"I know, thanks. Maybe later"

They continued to talk. Castle doing most of the talking, somehow knowing she just needed a distraction. He filled her in on his day with the detail and skill of a best-selling author. He had explained his latest idea for Nikki Heat and she had laughed at how convoluted it was. But had offered some alternatives instead.

"It's hunting season here" she interrupted him.

"...ok" Kate could hear the confusion in his voice and continued trying to form the words and courage to say them.

"I ..."

"Are you ok Kate? Did you get hurt? Is your dad ok?"

She felt bad now, somehow admitting to him that she just got scared seemed so silly. But she had started now and she wanted to continue. To give this part of her to see for himself.

"A bird had been shot and landed just in front of me, I...I ran away"

"Kate..."

"I know it seems silly, I'm a homicide detective. And I ran away from a dead bird"

"Hey" - he interrupted "Beckett, you were shot months ago. You are still raw from your caseload recently, you have been stressed", being careful not to push her on the sniper case, they hadn't spoken about it since. Although he knew it had been difficult for her.

"I have PTSD Castle" she breathed out a sigh of relief, somehow feeling better just by sharing the simple fact without explanation.

Castle was silent, she could hear him breathing on the other end of the phone.

"Castle?"

"Kate, I know"

"How do you know?"

"I'm with you every day, you are my partner, we are ...friends. I noticed but I left you to it. I stayed close enough that you could call me if you needed but far enough that you could deal with it yourself like you wanted to"

"Castle?"

"Beckett?" The formalness of their surnames making them both chuckle.

"How do you feel about cabins?"

Castle arrived the next morning. Kate had been up early, eager to see her partner, no her best friend, this morning. He opened the car door and was greeted by the sight of Kate Beckett on the porch walking towards him.

"Hey"

She surrounded him with her arms as best she could and he returned the hug with equal measure.

"Thank you"

"Always"

Kate asked Castle to stay for the few days that her dad couldn't. He had to return to work sooner than Kate and so Jim headed back to the city after lunch. Kate felt better about having told Castle some of what she was going through. He had already known and didn't say anything. Rick Castle was a true gentleman and he deserved better than she could give him. Telling him about the PTSD was a big step for her and for them. It was one step closer to the relationship she wanted. One step at a time.

Castle was strangely quiet, it was nice to know that he didn't feel the need to fill every silence. After taking a few minutes to herself Kate joined him on the porch with a cold drink for them both.

"Thanks"

"What do you want to do today Castle? I presume you are feeling inspired to write being in these beautiful surroundings"

"I'm not here to write Kate, I'm here for you. Whatever you want to do is ok with me"

Kate smiled in return.

They spent most of the day on the porch reading or walking by the lake, sometimes talking sometimes just content with each others company. They had three days together and they were all spent enjoying the weather and the relative quiet of the woods. They were both so comfortable with each other, it was relaxing to just be together with no cases or work looming over them.

On the last morning, Kate was up early making breakfast. Castle appeared to find his food already cooked for him, a steaming hot cup of coffee and Kate looking at him expectantly.

"You were up early" he commented as he took a seat where his food had been placed. Taking a sip of the coffee.

"Yeah, I had a few things I wanted to do"

"Anything I can help with? Alexis trained me well, I'm reasonably competent with housework now"

Kate smirked, giving him a playful look.

"Would you help me with something today Rick?"

"Of course, what would you like me to do?" noting the use of his first name.

"I never got to go to the meadow, can we go there?"

"If you want to" he answered, realizing that she was asking of him. Kate was asking him to go to a place she held in her heart as a special place with her mom. It felt like a big step, Kate was sharing a part of her mom with him. But he also knew why she hadn't made it the first time. Jim had explained to him quietly before he left making sure Kate didn't overhear them. Jim understood, but Castle had experienced this side of Kate before and he was careful not to aggravate her or startle her in a way that might have her descend into herself again. Although he realized it wasn't something either of them could control, he tried to be mindful.

"Yea and I need to do something. Before I go back to the city, ...back to work"

"You want to... not be startled by gunfire?" he questioned her, being careful with his words making sure he didn't make her think he thought less of her or thought her scared of her own job.

"..yeah" she half chuckled at herself and at him for being able to read her so well.

"Ok, I will help if you let me cook you dinner tonight at home and let me do the dishes too" he teased

"Deal"

On the drive home, Kate felt more at ease than she had in a long time. She didn't know how he managed to do it but somehow this man had a calming affect on her. He made her feel like she could get through anything. When she had been scared this afternoon he was right there beside her, reassuring her that she could do this. He didn't try and do it for her, he supported her. He let her know without saying so that he didn't think any less of her, he was there to support her no matter what. Kate had been daydreaming now for a while, she looked over to Castle and saw him glancing at her when he could. He was driving them back to the city. Kate had let him drive after he had been so good to her especially these past few days. He put his own work to one side to help her and didn't belittle her or cause her to feel like a child. This man blew her away with his selflessness, she hoped that someday if he needed her she could do the same for him. He deserved at least that much from her, if not more. She was working on being more for him, someday soon she hoped to be enough.


End file.
